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DramaQn4JC
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Name: Caitlin
Birthday: 6/8/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: Jesus and everything related to Him. theatre and everything related to it. family, immediate and otherwise. music of all types. people of all types. european culture. love in all its forms.
Expertise: movie quotes. obscure trivia. shakespeare. various genres of music. classic disney. accents and dialects. proofreading. procrastinating. health foods. the elliptical machine. big dangly earrings. definitely not driving.
Occupation: professional nice girl/actress
Industry: hospitality/entertainment
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/2/2002
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i know hardly anyone reads this anymore. that's kinda the point.
safe places, again.
anyway.
first.
moving to washington's at about 98% now. helping the campbells move up there and staying for a week will probably cinch it. nearly everyone in my life is saying, "do it. go for it. trust. leap."
i'm kinda scared... kind of excited... mostly just ready for the change to happen already. but at any rate, i need to get outta here.
second.
i need to stop letting people play hacky sack with my heart... especially when they let it fall and shatter, then look up at me and say, "what? why are you upset?"
i took the risks, let down my guard...
glad i did. worth the lessons.
but now i'm wounded, and stumbling back inside my castle keep.
and God, it hurts.
third.
i'm working on becoming a goal-setter. so, once in washington, i will take things month to monrh, and have a goal at the end of each. for instance, i aim to turn 26 in seattle... staying in port angeles more than four, five months doesn't appeal to me at the moment. we'll see. what folks i meet, jobs i get, shows i do, etc. planning in pencil, like daddy says.
and more than anything, i need to re-focus. i've lost a lot - not all, but enough.
we'll see what the new season holds. besides rain.
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1) my restaurant announced that it's closing on december 31st. happy new year.
2) moving in with the campbells... however, recent circumstances and developments are prompting them to move back to washington in a month. they want me to come with them and take the seattle theater scene by storm. and at this point, with nothing tying me down here, i'm actually considering it. but i'm definitely finishing out my time at the clubhouse, 'cause it's that good a job, and i'm gonna make major bank off the holidays. so, job-searching again. it's gonna be a very interesting next few months.
3) if any of you wanna come see me play sarah brown in "guys and dolls" at la habra depot theater, my one night (as i'm the understudy) is october 17th at 8pm. tix are cheapest on goldstar. and for those of you who know cecie, i'll understand perfectly if you wanna see one of her nights instead. 
as i said on facebook and twitter, i'm a butterfly in a hurricane.
flying toward the eye...
which should be a safe(r) place. 'til the storm dissipates, at any rate.
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i know there's only a handful of you that still read this, which makes xanga something of a safe place for me after all this time... there's far too many people on facebook.
i'm in oceanside for a few days for some good food, good TV and chill time with the fam. a lot of stuff has gone down in the past few weeks with them, and i knew coming home would mean walking right into the middle of it. but quite frankly, i needed to be brought into the loop instead of hearing about everything through my poor bro, who's been refereeing for many months.
anyway. my parents have separated, though they still live together, 'cause neither of them can afford to go anywhere else right now. so the "separation" is, in effect, simply limiting their conversations to facts and functions, and no opinions or emotions. that's the suggestion of their counselor, and it seems to be helping on a psychological level for them to not think of themselves as married. i guess. i haven't quite figured all this out yet... in a way, i wish there was somewhere for one of them to go so they could get some "cool-off" time in the truest sense.
i've detached a surprising amount from the whole situation. partly because i don't live here anymore... partly because i'm an adult and this doesn't affect me nearly as much as their issues did when i was, say, 16... partly because there's not a damn thing i can do... and, at this point, i'm fairly certain they'd be much happier apart. though there's really no "good" way for them to end this, especially because my mother is incapable of taking care of herself.
after talking about things with my dad, just the two of us, all logic, i took whatever i was feeling out on the elliptical machine. (if there's one thing i didn't expect to feel, it's anger - but quite a bit of it began boiling inside me and got me running.) then mom and i had an incredibly fraught (of course) discussion of our own, complete with the usual emotional blackmail, and i was reminded how terrifyingly alike we are. it seems the only way for factions of our family to function is to simply leave certain subjects alone. that's how my dad and his sister get along - don't bring up politics. that's how evan and i get along - don't bring up religion. and that, apparently, is how my parents are still able to live with each other - fact-based conversations only.
so, now.
i'm shaken, disoriented, spun off my center. still drifting, and stable enough to function. but still.
we aren't who we were. i'm not who i was.
and it's not the change i resent. just the result.
this is why none of us can have any kind of foundation on *people*... we change. we fail.
my spiritual foundation cannot be any one person or group of people. it cannot be based on whether certain relationships work, or don't.
but now, i ask, what? what do i have?
"God doesn't change, but we do." okay. that is a comfort, but i still don't know where to go from here.
if nothing else, i know that i need to fight.
i need to resist the temptation to "deal" with things by giving in to addictions, which always seems to happen with me.
it used to be food. it's occasionally alcohol, now (i've put a bunch of limits on that, by the way).
it's always been relationships. still is.
and i need safe places.
i need to move out (Lord willing, i will in the next couple months...)
i need imaginary circumstances, and a character to hide in. even if nobody sees me perform.
and i need Jesus.
i need to be stronger than this.
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if you want to find yourself by traveling out west
or if you want to find somebody else that's better
go ahead
go ahead
if you want to buy a brand new fancy automobile
or if you want to build a place up in coldwater canyon
go ahead
go ahead
go ahead
i wish you would
go ahead
if you want to hold your own hand going up that cliff
or if you want to just hold back cause you ain't up to it
go ahead
go ahead
go ahead
be my guest
go ahead
if you want to hold on to the first girl that you meet
or if you want to settle down and plant roses at my feet
go ahead
go ahead
go ahead
i wish you would
go ahead
if you want to have your cake and eat it too
and if you want to have other people watch you while you eat it
go ahead
go ahead
go ahead
be my guest
go ahead
if you want better things
i want you to have them
if you want better things
then i want you to have them
go ahead
go ahead
go ahead
i wish you would
go ahead
go ahead
i wish you would
go ahead
-- rilo kiley | | |
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"so when did i get so broken, i wouldn't notice
everything important leaving me?"
-- mindy smith
"it's not over."
-- rosanna oakley
(needed that, so bad.)
stop taking. start giving again.
-- best Friend
(and my heart says, You're right, as always.)
"keep on believing God is soaring above a world
that's running out of love..."
-- mindy, again.
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